I am shaking so bad. Got locked out of my apartment. Threw this party for myself. I don’t know half the people on my couch…
The blue spotlight is glaring in my eyes, all the eyes in the room are on me, and my voice is cracking on almost every word I sing. All I can think about is how bad I am shaking. Everything is shaking. My hands, my legs, my notes. I’m a soda pop bottle with a guitar.
I wanna seem cool, don’t wanna be someone saying words that don’t sound right in my mouth but I got locked out again.
I was so excited about this: my first time performing an original song at an open mic. I spent countless hours mulling over what song to play. I had finally made the decision. I had my two songs. I planned to start with a cover, and then I’d play my own song.
Pacing the roof, almost called my dad. Sat on the ledge, you held my hand. Said if I fall, you’d bring me back.
I played my guitar for hours when I got home that day. I tuned my guitar seven times in two hours. I warmed up my voice, sang my doe-re-mi’s, and sang my lyrics as I did my makeup. I sang the cover while I put on my outfit. I gargled salt water as I tied the laces on my flowered boots.
That was summer, now it’s cold again in the hall, locked out at 2:00AM. Hid my phone in a drawer, can’t trust myself not to…
With each mile we traveled, my heart rate steadily increased. With each turn, I could feel my lungs tighten and tighten. I tried to focus on the advice my mom was giving me. Everything is going to be okay, no matter what. There’s not going to be people eagerly clutching tomatoes to hurl at me.
Invite you up, I wanna seem cool, don’t wanna be someone saying words that don’t sound right in my mouth but I got locked out again.
There were so many more people than I thought would be there. I saw a few familiar faces. I waved from my chair. I make jokes to my mom in a futile attempt to ease my nerves. The organizer made an announcement, “Due to the number of musicians here to play, we’re going to change the limit to one song per person.”
Been out here so long, I hope it snows, I’m hoping for some rain. I hope I never get the chance to mess it up like this again. If it’s my decision, I choose to be someone who knows…
I sat and watched as each musician performed. They were all phenomenal and deeply emotional. It was almost my turn. My mom squeezed my hand three times. My stomach churned.
When and what to say, swear I’m gonna play it cool be the one leaving them wanting, begging for more. One day. But…
My heart was beating out of my chest. I walked on stage and I introduced myself. I feel all the eyes on me. I start strumming the intro to my song,
I got locked out… again.