Always the giver never the receiver. Always the painter, never the muse. Always the praiser never the praised. Always the poet, never the poem. Always listening, never heard. Always noticing, never noticed. Always the photographer, never the picture. Always the healer, never the healed. Always a choice, never chosen. Always an angel, never a god.
Boygenius released the song “Not Strong Enough” last year and since hearing it I have been obsessed with it. It’s grown popular over the last few months and even received a few awards for it. For a good reason. Music has always been a way of communicating to me, it always felt right because I always understood it. However, I was stumped by this song. But, as the line “always an angel, never a god” repeatedly blasted into my ears, it gradually started to form a meaning. I knew what the three voices were trying to say, I knew the importance of this song and admired how they formed this emotion of being imperceptible into art.
The feeling of being the second choice. The pain you feel knowing you weren’t first and the pit you get in your stomach as yet another person is placed above you in rank. I have always had my people but I have never been someone’s person. I can’t help but wonder how I am perceived and if I’m treated the way I am because I’m just seen as ‘less than’. Constantly confused about why I am who I am, these thoughts of inferiority pile high on top of each other as I drown in this sensation once again. Not that I’m not strong enough, simply I’m just never enough. I am overlooked, I am forgotten till needed, I am the second choice, I am always an angel and never a god.