I’m here at the dulled-out playground again. For some reason, I always end up here. There is a comforting air around here, one that instantly brings me back to the same wood chips my size 5 light-up sneakers would run around on. The place where I was filled with joy because I was surrounded by the friends I would love forever. Where I was filled with curiosity as I created another silly game to play for that week. Where I was filled with energy that I had stored up while sitting in class coloring. Where I was filled with adventure because I was going to try and swing higher than I did yesterday on the creaky metal swings. Maybe I was too young to realize it wouldn’t last, or maybe I was too stupid to believe something so good would stay.
The world around me was beyond me. It was surrounding me but I was oblivious. I was in it but never witnessed it. In these moments on that brightly colored playground, it was the only place in the world. It was safe, it was brilliant, it was exciting, it was carefree, but now it’s just a memory I’ve outgrown. I no longer had to jump to reach the monkey bars, I no longer had to have someone push me towards the sky, and I no longer was afraid of the big blue slide. As my legs grew longer, my soul grew older. I wish I could go back and capture my sweet childhood in a jar. I wish things wouldn’t change, I wish I soaked it in, I wish I still knew all those kids I used to love. I wish I was still creative and adventurous. I wish the playground didn’t vanish underneath the cruelty of this world. I wish I could jump back to that playground and disappear there. Where chocolate milk was drunk instead of alcohol. Where ‘fun’ didn’t have to involve lying. Where peace didn’t have to mean loneliness. Where love was genuine and not just a game. Where joy was long-lasting and not a temporary feeling.
What happened to the girl who cared about her heart and not her appearance? Where did all the color go? Where did all the memories go? Where can I find a time machine? Where can I go to tell her to soak it all in? I am reaching as far as I can to find it again. I am digging as deep as it goes to find where it all went. How. Do. I. Change. Back. Time.