Lately, I find myself engulfed in a fog of uncertainty, wrestling with the complexity of not being sure about my career desires. It’s a persistent dilemma that weighs heavily on my mind. On one hand, I yearn for clarity, a concrete path to follow, a sense of purpose. I envy those who seem to have it all figured out, with unwavering determination in their chosen fields. It’s as if they possess a map, while I’m lost in a vast, uncharted territory.
The pressure to make decisions, to choose a direction, gnaws at me. Friends and family often ask, “What do you want to do with your life?” and I can’t help but feel a twinge of anxiety every time I hear that question. It’s as if they expect me to have my entire future neatly packaged and ready for delivery.
But here’s the complicated part: I’m torn. Part of me longs for the security of a well-defined career path, where I can climb the ladder, accumulate experience, and build a stable life. It is part of why a career in law seems so appealing. Such a career would be fulfilling as it would be a job I could take pride in. The amount of education and dedication is something I want to pursue regardless of what I go into. Furthermore, I already excel at composition and analyzing the writing of others. Yet, one thing seems to limit me. I am absolutely terrified at the idea of defending someone who is unmerited. Such a possibility seems almost inescapable in that field. How can I do that when I have personally been victimized and unprotected by the system? I would be another spoke on the wheel. On the other hand, I’m aware of the untamed, adventurous spirit within me that craves exploration and creativity. The experience I have with a sundry of unique media would allow me to carve my way into a field like production. The idea of settling into a predictable job for the sake of stability feels stifling. This career, however, brings up another dilemma. The industry is unforgiving and antagonistic, especially for women. Part of me knows that I would never be seen or heard. Forgive me for saying this but I don’t have the energy to fight that fight everyday. Just saying that makes me feel defeated and I suppose I am. I know my limitations mentally, and I know that job would push me. One day it might even push me over the edge, and I am simply not ready to sit in such misery.
I often wonder if I’m being too idealistic, if I should prioritize practicality over passion. The fear of making the wrong choice haunts me. What if I invest years in a career only to discover it’s not what I truly want? Even with any good scholarships I may be able to accumulate, the amount of money I would devote to education in either field is not something I want to take lightly. No matter which way I seem to go, I will always be at the whim of my own emotions and desires. What’s worse is I’m not sure if that is good or a bad thing. I am a despot of uncertainty.
But despite the confusion and the constant questioning, I remind myself that it’s okay not to have all the answers right now. It’s okay to be uncertain, to explore, to experiment. Maybe, in this process of self-discovery, I’ll stumble upon a career that aligns with both passions and values. Perhaps the complexity I’m experiencing now is merely a chapter in my journey. I am grateful for the pillars of support I have. Truly, I can say that I have a fear of solitude. My mother, for example, has been one of the greatest human resources in my life. I don’t know where I would be without her. We both have certainly come a long way together.
Her wisdom and perspective have been invaluable. She reminded me that it’s okay to acknowledge stress and the challenges it brings. It’s a natural part of life, a sign that I’m pushing my boundaries and striving for growth. Instead of viewing stress as an adversary, my mother encouraged me to see it as a teacher, a force that can lead to personal development. It certainly wasn’t an easy pill for me to swallow. To be honest, it’s something that I’m still learning. We both are but I have no doubt that one day that I will be able to look back and admire our growth together. Mother and daughter.
So, I’ll continue to navigate this labyrinth of uncertainty, one step at a time, learning, growing, and embracing the twists and turns. Who knows what surprises the future holds?